The Day I Almost But Not Quite Skipped Town Without A Trace

Before I start, I will tell you that both of my children are alive and well.  Breathing, laughing, shrieking bloody murder in a bouncy seat (kind of kidding), climbing on my counters (not kidding at all)….but they are alive.  

At almost 9 weeks, my sweet Leah and I have gotten our groove.  I get her, she gets me.  She’s so chill.  So calm.  So sweet.  So happy.  She doesn’t cry a lot and my milk supply has left her satisfied.  SOOOO satisfied that the last few days she’s slowed down on her eating and taken more naps than usual….in return, my body started producing a little less milk.  EXHIBIT 1.  EXHIBIT 2?  I experimented with spicy foods!  (I imagine you see the direction this train is barreling…) Welllll, ALL DAY today Leah has been shrieking out in pain…legit crying and stretching…CLEARLY uncomfortable.  She’s also wanted to nurse ALL DAY LONG, EXHBIT 3- Ok, done with the exhibits….  I’m talking every 20 minutes to up the supply she left for dead yesterday when she took SEVERAL NAPS all day long.   So, needless to say, my day has been spent sitting, nursing, wiping butts, making food, watching my house be destroyed, and all the while wishing for a spare second where I’m not touching another person. 

Around 1 o’clock Maddie ditched the clothes.  Full on birthday.  Numerous butt shots to the face made me laugh until she asked me to smell her finger.  Yeah, she will kill me someday for telling you, but she touched her butt and asked me to smell her finger.  I sternly said GO wash your hands and got a butt finger to the cheek.  THIS was the point where my day took a nosedive.  Sitting and nursing while your kid makes a mess around you can completely change your mood and getting a smelly finger to the skin only makes things worse.  Also, hearing your child crying in pain is on my top 5 list of sounds to eliminate from earth. 

Dinner time.  My heart is palpitating reliving it. 

I decided to start a bit early to make some deviled eggs to have on hand for snacks.  To the MO-RON whose post appears first in the Google search “Easy to Peel Hard Boiled Eggs,” YOU RUINED MY EVENING!!  YOUR METHOD DOES NOT WORK WHEN FOLLOWED METICULOUSLY.   Difficult to peel hard-boiled eggs are FRUSTRATING!  They should be ALL that rapist and child molesters are fed.  PERIOD.  The kind where half the whites come off with EACH, LITTLE, TINY, STUPID piece of eggshell!  (My husband is laughing reading that last sentence over my shoulder… “Wow hahaha Really?” he said… He just doesn’t get it)  I digress.

To add insult to injury, this eggshell episode broke down in the middle of Leah at her peak of discomfort and frustration.  With each egg I was optimistic that THIS peel would come sliding off.  My optimism may have been what hurt me the most.   I found it very apropos that there happened to be a fly sitting on the stupid egg when I took the pics... I didn't even notice.











And OH EM GEE Maddie NEEDED TO HELP RIGHT THIS SECOND CAN I HELP CAN I HELP  CAN I HELP MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!?  SERIOUSLY!!!?  NO!!!  YOU CAN'T! ((heart…rate…increasing… THESE STUPID EGGGGGGGS!  BABY CRYINGGGGG....Oh, Crap!!  THE GRILL!)   Oh, did I mention that I had put food on the grill?  Burnt.

I came back in with this pile of manure and saw that Maddie had, in fact, taken it upon herself to help.  By cutting up eggs with a potato peeler.   Bare butt on the counter. Thanks.

I've come to believe that my frustration was evident.  Well, I assume because when I placed our leather and blackened veggies on the table, she yelled “Freaking Leah"  about my still crying infant. Don’t look at me like that, I feel bad enough as it is!   “Don’t say freaking…" I said, " it’s not polite”  “Why?”  “JUST DON’T... Just DON'T say it and don't argue!”

I’m deep breathing.  I'm nursing again.   I'm choking on my dried out piece of chicken and decide to make a fully conscious effort to change my heart.  Change it right this instant... what can I be thankful for?    “Maddie, let’s say what we’re thankful for!  What are you thankful for??”  With a forced smile.

Calmly, sincerely, and without missing a beat:     You.

In tears, I grabbed my camera.